Arsenal seek bye for FA Cup Final

16-05-14

ARSENAL should get the FA Cup without having to play in the final, according to manager Arsene Wenger.

Stripes, so gauche

Stripes, so gauche

Citing their superior corporate hospitality and the world-class players they sell to other clubs, the club has suggested the trophy should just be awarded to them at Wembley in a closed ceremony.

Wenger said: “The last thing any neutral wants to see is our languid, cultured players being kicked into the air by a bunch of dreadful Northerners who think quinoa plays for West Ham.

“Quite why the FA wants Hull, and I’m not being disrespectful here by calling them guttersnipes, to embarrass themselves in front of their betters baffles me.”

Arsenal have already reserved an open top bus and arranged for Islington council to close the route of the parade, from the Emirates to a charming little Peruvian restaurant where the players will celebrate with ceviche and anticuchos.

Hull manager Steve Bruce said: “I was going to lodge a protest, but then I remembered our shirt sponsor is Cash Converters.

“Instead I’ve hired a speech therapist so the players can say ‘Most kind of you to let us play,’ without sounding like they have a toffee in their mouth that’s trying to escape.”

Wenger said: “If only we could dispense with the whole grubby business of kicking a ball about on soil altogether. That’s the dream, isn’t it?”

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