FROM the darkest corners of your nightmares, this season’s biggest frightfest is… BARTON!

Judge, jury, want-away midfielder, executioner

He was a man from the savage land of Liverpool, with a dead-ball delivery to freeze the soul and a Twitter account full of bone-chilling delusion – and now he’s coming to a stadium near you.

Not even the FA can stand in the way of BARTON!

Driven mad by the injustice he saw all around him that for some reason nobody else could actually see, when a neighbour’s house is burgled BARTON! takes the law into his own hands by phoning the police and waiting patiently for them to arrive.

For him, there was only one law – sections nine and 10 of the 1968 Theft Act covering the commission of a burglary – and when they met it was EXPLOSIVE!

Football critic Wayne Hayes said: “BARTON! is a throwback to 70s British pulp horrors like Joe Jordan and Tommy Smith which shouldn’t really be viewed by youngsters.

“Some have also compared it to Death Wish, the 1974 thriller which featured an ultraviolent hero with a stupid moustache who dispenses summary justice based on the voices in his head.

“But BARTON! is very different because as far as I’m aware Charles Bronson always had a good reason for knocking shite out of someone outside a McDonalds.”