Black armbands made mandatory for all Premiership kits

COMMEMORATIVE armbands worn by grieving Premier league footballers will become a permanent part of kit, under new FIFA rules.

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The black sashes will be sewn into a sleeve of each player’s shirt, in an acknowledgment of modern footballers’ griefaholic tendencies.

Soccer pundit Wayne Hayes said: “Historically, the black bands were only worn when key players from a club passed on or to mark the anniversary of something that has adversely affected football.

“But today’s footballers are like Victorians when it comes to mourning. They’ll pop on a sash if the club’s drinks machine runs out of soup, or if the manager’s car fails its MOT.”

Further to the new regulations, clubs wishing to mark especially sad occasions such as a player’s cousin’s stick insect’s death will be invited to wear an additional arm band.

Teams marking an actual human death will  be expected to mask their goalkeeper in a floor-lenth black veil without eye-holes.

The compulsory armbands are not the only change introduced to appease the Premiership’s appetite for melancholia.

The traditional minute’s silence preceding most games,will now be followed by John Lennon’s Imagine or anything by James Blunt, and the half time pie will be replaced by a buffet of cold cuts covered in cling film.