Clubs line up to tell Barton to do one
NEWCASTLE United have admitted they have been deluged with offers from clubs wanting to show Joey Barton exactly where the sun does not shine.
Barton had the final year of his contract terminated when start-of-season medical tests showed he was still an arsehole. He is now the subject of an intense bidding war amongst managers eager to dance around him flicking the V sign.
Newcastle chairman Mike Ashley said: “We’ve had a delegation from the Kingdom of Tonga arrive asking if they can wave their bottoms at him and then go home again. We’re even getting club owners from other sports asking if they can discuss having nothing to do with him.”
Barton is currently training on his own in a viewing pen several miles from St James Park and Ashley has tried to recoup some money from his departure by charging managers to watch him forlornly trudge up and down, shouting abuse at the training cones.
A small restaurant has been set up next to the pen, as well as a souvenir stand featuring shirts saying ‘My Manager Went To Newcastle & All He Got Was To Tell Joey Barton To Go Fuck Himself’.
But the biggest windfall could come from an unprecedented £15m up-yours bid from Manchester City, which would break the British spending record for telling a player to piss up a rope.
Roberto Mancini said: “We’re going to buy four airships, decorated by Banksy and fitted with loudspeakers playing Bigmouth Strikes Again.
“Once we know we’ve got his attention they will fly in formation so they spell out the phrase ‘In your dreams, you gobshite twat’.
“I think it shows once and for all the level of ambition at this great club.”