'Doping' probably wrong word for taking substances that make you go really fast

LANCE Armstrong’s forthcoming Oprah appearance has sparked debate about whether the act of taking speed-enhancing chemicals should really be called ‘doping’.

Dr Tom Booker said: “This is a term thought up by old American conservatives for whom all illegal drugs are essentially the same.

“However I’ve smoked quite a lot of ‘dope’ in my time, and never found it to enhance my athletic prowess. In fact, it rather tender to make me dopey.

“Really we should talk about athletes ‘zipping’ or ‘intensifying’. Sure that makes it sound a bit cool, but it’s more accurate.”

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BBC finally realises its job is to make people more stupid

THE BBC has embraced its role as the UK’s leading ‘moronifier’ with another documentary about drunk teenagers shagging.

The corporation had endured fractious relationships with a succession of governments because of dabbling with journalism and programmes not involving syringes full of lager.

However the broadcaster claims the return of BBC3’s popular Sunburned Dry-humping Teens and Their Weeping Parents heralds a new era of understanding between itself and ministers.

A BBC spokesman said: “We thought the government money came with some sort of obligation to stimulate the UK’s collective brain. In fact the reverse is true.

“We had a re-read of our charter and the top thing is actually ‘lead the way in moronification, primarily through images of teen bikini girls vomiting at Greek nightclub foam parties’.

“Sorry for that slight misunderstanding. We promise there won’t be any more of that nonsense about rainforests or people digging up viking helmets.”

Office worker Julian Cook said: “Should the BBC be an outlet for tits and tearful confrontation, like all the commercial channels?

“Yes, it should. Those are my favourite things.

“I want at least one pair of bangers for ever £1 of my License Fee.”

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