England fans asked to not care

ROY Hodgson has asked England supporters to stop being bothered about what happens, in a bid to boost results.


After Team GB coasted into the quarter finals of the Olympic competition without a single supporter even noticing, Hodgson has become convinced there is a causal link between being supported and being absolutely terrible.

Since its seldom-mentioned 1966 World Cup win the national team has become increasingly shambolic. The FA fears that, if the trend continues, by the 2014 tournament in Russia everybody in the country will be rabidly cheering 23 inanimate puddles of flesh.

Hodgson said: “We’ll need the tabloids to fill their back pages with croquet results or something for this to work, but if everyone stops giving a shit I believe we could produce the finest England side in 55 years.

“I’ll certainly do my bit by insisting they continue playing the kind of prosaic bilge that made Liverpool and West Brom so joyless to watch and with Andy Carroll coming to prominence there’s the chance to play the route-one stuff that nobody wants to see.”

Fears had been raised that Team GB would fail in their quarter final against South Korea after Cardiff Stadium sold out, but thanks to LOCOG this translated to half a dozen Mastercard reps slouched in a sea of otherwise empty seats.

If they do progress it’s expected they will meet Brazil in the semi-final, with a win requiring such a intense that organisers may instigate hypnotherapy to wipe out the memory of the existence of football as a sport.

Hodgson said: “It would be the greatest honour of my career if I were to win the World Cup, even if it did mean people asking me whether it was a darts trophy.”