European football takes plastic cover off sofa

THE exit of Manchester from European competition has allowed for the removal of plastic sofa covers and the appearance of the good cutlery.

Sharing your nice things with decent people

The remaining clubs in the Europa League will also be able to unlock their drinks cabinets and put out their nice things without fear of them being stolen.

A spokesman for Athletic Bilbao said: “A couple of years ago we noticed this large, yellowy-brown stain on the corner unit. Eventually we had to just throw the bloody thing out. Two grand it was. Fuck that.

“So we bought a new one but then we thought ‘we’re not having a repeat of The Stain’ so we got one of those plastic covers. It works really well, but when you spend that kind of money on furniture you want to be able to show it off.

“Now they’ve finally gone it’s great that we can have all our nice things out without worrying about them being covered in piss and puke.”

Meanwhile, restaurants across the continent face the challenge of shifting the mountain of chips and gravy that had been set aside for travelling Mancunians.

The eateries must dispose of the potato-related foodstuff safely as it is classified as toxic waste under EU laws and be carefully dismantled by specially trained staff in Hazmat suits.
Ivan Shevchenko, from Kharkiv, said: “Animal rights groups protest if you try and feed it to cattle, not least because it makes the beef taste very weird.

“My regulars won’t touch the stuff and they happily eat compost heaps doused in vodka.”