Fifa cranks up the piss-taking

ENGLAND have been moved to fourth in the world rankings in a move clearly designed to flip the FA the bird.

He's just trying to enjoy himself

The top 10 is calculated using a series of factors including recent uninspiring draws against Third-World countries and how funny it would be to blow smoke up an entire nation’s arse. These figures are then fed into a computer that uses a complicated algorithm also employed to calculate Sepp Blatter’s expenses claims.

Blatter said: “No, England, you’re tons better than Brazil or Argentina, I really really mean that and as a reward I’m going to take the World Cup off Russia and let you hav…AAAAAHHHH!!!! SICK BURN!”

He then ran around FIFA headquarters shouting ‘Psych!’ for several minutes before collapsing onto a chaise longue made entirely out of financial inducements and restoring his energy with a 12-course snack.

Footballologist Wayne Hayes said: “If we were to take England’s rating at face value, we’d have to accept that by the time you got to teams in the 25-plus ranking you’d be looking at a group of seven vaguely-humanoid beings that could identify a football if induced to do so with a lump of raw meat.

“By rating Wales at 114th, FIFA are essentially crediting them with less sentience than an Argos biro, which I’m not necessarily saying is wrong.”

Fifa will release England’s true rating later today, expected to be somewhere in the 50s, dropping five places every time the FA use the word ‘corruption’.

Fabio Capello said: “When I first saw that we are fourth, I watch training DVDs of Peter Crouch and John Terry and think – how do you say? – ‘my saggy left bollock are we fourth’.”