Footballers uncouth

SOME footballers are loutish individuals who swear in mixed company, it has emerged.

Examination of the television footage of recent matches has shown some of the leading players using words like ‘poo’, ‘knob’, ‘heck’ and ‘panties’.

Roy Hobbs, a subscriber to a front row seat at The West Ham, said: “I had recently witnessed a young fellow called Rooney – of the Lancashire Rooneys, I believe – complete a trio of goalifications against our young gentlemen.

“I happened to comment, as he celebrated in front of me, that it was an excellent performance for a man of his frame.

“He immediately told me to go to heck or he would poo in my panties. I fainted dead away.”

Martin Bishop, a supporter of The Liverpool, added: “I recently watched my team play The Chelsea. It had been a lovely match until young Mr Lampard missed a opportunity to score and then shook his fist and said ‘knob’.

“I’ve never seen so many people drop their ice creams.”

He added: “I blame the schools. I remember the days when Asa Hartford would go in hard on Trevor Francis and Trevor might say, ‘excuse me Asa, that was jolly sore’ or ‘crikey, you’ve had your porridge’.”

Footballologoist, Wayne Hayes, said: “It is indeed a shame that the sort of fine, decent Britons who like nothing better than to sit in a public house watching Sky Sports shortly after midday with their numerous children weaving between the alcohol-covered tables like shaven-headed sharks, have to have their ears assailed by such filth.

“I too blame the schools. Panties indeed.”

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

Most don't want to work past the age of zero

MOST people in Britain would prefer not to work a day in their lives, according to new research.

As Iain Duncan Smith suggested the majority want to work past 65, the Institute for Studies found that he could not be more stupid and wrong.

More than half of those surveyed said they would want to work into their late sixties, but when asked if that was just a lot of bullshit they all said ‘yep’.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “We found that when people were being themselves rather than this pointless idea of themselves, they realised that work is a waste of time and that careers are pure fucking evil.

“But unfortunately we have created a prison for ourselves where the walls are made from 42” inch tellys showing adverts for cars.

“We spend nine hours a day surrounded by fuckers so we can add another telly to the top of the wall and tell ourselves this is better than weeding a vegetable patch and then spending the afternoon playing the sousaphone or getting naked with a chum.

“And before you go to work, don’t forget to stare at yourself in the mirror. Your new clothes are so smart.”

Brubaker stressed it was shitty little politicians like Iain Duncan Smith who had convinced us to look down on travellers and benefit cheats when in fact our contempt for them is based on nothing more than simple jealousy.

“They are blessed with the imagination and essential humanity that is required to do nothing. That said, there’s no need to rub our noses in it by spending their waking hours smoking the ganja and giggling like freaks. That’s just mean.

“Meanwhile, I suspect Mr Duncan Smith is angry about being bald. He should paint a strawberry on his bald head and have experimental sex with a bi-curious fireman.

“And remember, if you find yourself in a pub listening to someone going on about how their career is really important to them, throw your drink in their face and then demand that they buy you another one.”

He added: “People say they need to keep working because they wouldn’t know what to do all day. At the last count there were 16 thousand, two hundred and eighty two billion, three hundred and forty six million, four hundred and twenty five thousand, six hundred and fourteen things in the world.

“So you can see their point.”

Next story ›