Government to buy Tevez for the nation

THE government has tabled an ambitious £50m bid to preserve Carlos Tevez for the entire nation.

He's like Vera Lynn

Manchester City are considering an offer from the department of culture, media and sport that will see the creature placed in a cage atop a plinth in Trafalgar Square, Runnymede or Alton Towers.

Sports minister Hugh Robertson said: “It’s important that we keep a native one alive and flourishing in the UK so future generations can tell their grandchildren they fed a lamb chop to an actual Tevez.

“He’s such a magnificent specimen and I’m sure that anybody that takes an interest in the Welsh will want to see him up close.

“Oh, he’s not Welsh? Are you absolutely sure about that? I really think you should check.”

The government faces competition from Inter Milan but Robertson has asked City to consider the warnings of welfare groups who claim Italy has an appalling record in the treatment of Tevezes.

He added: “He’ll be cooped up in a villa barely big enough to allow him to make a nest and defecate in.”

“And rather than fresh, raw meat from one of Britain’s excellent organic farms, they’ll try and force feed the little chap some pasta, which he is simply not designed to digest.”

Robertson said there were also plans for a national institute specialising in Tevezology and a scholarship programme that will teach depraved children how to chase down and devour an elk.