Ipswich To Keep Large Net Handy
IPSWICH Town yesterday unveiled Roy Keane as their new manager but stressed they would be keeping a large butterfly net to hand, just in case.
Chief executive Simon Clegg said that while he expected Keane to bring silverware to Portman Road the club also had a responsibility to ensure they could catch him as quickly as possible.
He added: "The net is the safest method, but if he manages to outrun his carers then we are prepared to bring him down with a tranquiliser dart and then secure him to a wooden plank using strong leather bindings."
Much of the club's offices and training facilities have been padded in anticipation of the appointment, while a treatment room has been refurbished to accommodate Keane's electro-shock paraphernalia.
Keane told a press conference that Ipswich was a great club with a proud history that had always punched above its weight and said he was looking forward to taking his first training session just as soon as the 40ft high chicken had been removed from the centre circle.
The Manchester United legend also claimed none of his former team mates had so far made a success of management, while only a handful had harnessed the power to make themselves invisible.
Keane said that Mark Hughes had done better at Blackburn than Manchester City before insisting repeatedly that Steve Bruce does not exist.
He added: "I have the support of the owner who understands that it's very important for me to able to buy any player I want and then experiment on him in my underground laboratory."