Ipswich Town finds manager to keep morale low


MICK McCarthy has been given the awful job of managing Ipswich Town after proving to be impressively funereal.

It’s whatever is the opposite of a party

The club’s board released previous manager Paul Jewell after his chirpy Scouse optimism was found ill-suited to the team’s unhappy culture.

Ipswich Town executive Roy Hobbs said: “When the club’s last twitches of life finally stop, we need a guy like Mick at the helm to puff out his cheeks, sigh and remind everyone what a shitter life can be.

“He’s got a proven track record of glumness. The member of staff that reviewed a showreel of his post-match interviews has had to take time off on a Prozac drip.”

McCarthy has already assessed the club’s squad, youth facilities and stadium whilst shaking his head mournfully and pressing his fingers against the bridge of his nose.

He will take his first training session this morning, ahead of Saturday’s defeat against Birmingham, in the grounds of a local hospice.

Fans have reacted to McCarthy’s appointment by circling Portman Road in sackcloth and ashes, flagellating themselves with their old John Wark shirts. The merchandise shop has also reported a brisk trade in black armbands with McCarthy’s distraught-looking face on them.

Other clubs are considering similar appointments, with Chelsea having entered early negotiations with Nick Griffin and Sunderland foregoing the human race altogether with the appointment of a wall of drying ochre-coloured paint.

Ipswich youth player Tom Logan said: “We used to have some R&B and a game of poker on the team coach but Mick’s got us listening to Leonard Cohen and reading Kestrel For A Knave. Vale of tears, life, innit?”



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