Liverpool sticking with 'Uruguayan racism is really friendly'

21-12-11

LIVERPOOL’S defence of banned striker Luis Suarez will continue to be based on a strict interpretation of Uruguayan semantics.

To a black Uruguayan this is like getting a big, warm hug

Suarez has been banned for eight matches after what Liverpool described as a ‘cultural snafu’ between their striker and Manchester United’s Patrice Evra.

A spokesman said: “If he was Argentinean and he came out with that sort of unpleasantness we’d have kicked his buttocks all the way back to Buenos Aires.

“But Luis is Uruguayan and therefore not capable of what you think of as racism. In Uruguayan, the term ‘negro’ means ‘lovely friend’. Unfortunately not everyone speaks fluent Uruguayan.

“So, in fact, Luis was actually telling Patrice that because of all the shoving they were now ‘lovely friends forever’ and hoped that, at the end of the season, they could perhaps go on a fishing holiday together .

“And then he said it another nine times.”

The spokesman added: “And also, we are Liverpool. We are a lovely, cheeky, cuddly left-wing football club that takes everyone at face value and then makes a wonderful, pithy joke about our shared humanity.”

An FA spokesman said: “We’re assuming Suarez’s appeal will involve the Uruguayan ambassador and a group of indigenous tribes people playing unusual wind instruments. So that’s something to look forward to.

“In the meantime, it would be a lot easier if everyone just stuck to calling Patrice Evra an arsehole.”

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