Liverpool’s season written by Ken Loach

LIVERPOOL’S fairytale adventure in Europe was scripted by Ken Loach, the club has revealed.

Kes starred a young Steven Gerrard

‘Kes’ starred a young Steven Gerrard

After previous comebacks in Europe were deemed too fanciful, Loach was hired in August to bring a touch of Northern dourness to the club’s season.

The director has been advising manager Brendan Rodgers on how to temporarily raise the hopes of fans in a triumph of the human spirit, only to have them crushed again at home to Aston Villa.

Rodgers said: “I’m looking forward to many more ‘Loach nights’. It’s a very ‘real’ experience. Like burying a dead bird in a council house garden.

“Fans may have preferred it when Michael Bay directed things with his absurd plot twists and unrealistic performances. Djimi Traore as a Champion’s League winner? Why didn’t we just sign Ben Affleck?”

He added: “For all their money, Man United can only afford a bunch of Hollywood hacks who churn out predictable, happy endings. We, on the other hand, are exploring what it means to be alive.”

The club was impressed by the football scenes in Kes and felt Loach could add the same bleak humour, as well as having an understanding of young, incompetent footballers who do not want to be there.

However, Rodgers revealed that the controversial plot line to have Fabio Borini break every bone in his body, one match at a time, was the result of a brainstorming session with Hostel director Eli Roth.