Manchester prepares for influx of bullshit

AUTHORITIES in Manchester have warned of an unprecedented level of bollocks.

It sounds like he's trying to open a jar of pickled onions

All leave has been cancelled for emergency services tasked to cope with injuries caused by the excess of hyperbole and Jeff Stelling.

Potential problems include people setting fire to their house to stop the television telling them how important sport is and perforated eardrums from people ramming knitting needles into them in an attempt to destroy their own brains.

It is being dubbed as the largest swell of football horseshit since the last World Cup but the concentration on a single city, as well as various pockets of the Home Counties, could generate dangerous levels of pish.

Chief Inspector Bill McKay said: “We predict a 90 to 95% possibility of Gary Neville making his sex noise again.

“If it’s in the final minute, the score’s all square and one team gets a corner or a penalty, my advice is to just start running and don’t stop until you fall down exhausted.”

Stretford resident Wayne Hayes said: “I was woken up at six this morning by a film crew from ESPN shouting ‘FOOTBALL!’ repeatedly at me from my front garden.

“I threw a bucket of water over them but they just kept asking me why I didn’t have an erection.”