Manchester United still the spawniest bastards around

MANCHESTER United remain unchallenged as the jammiest gits in the Premier League, it has emerged.

Against Everton, a last-minute penalty saw them scrape a controversial draw that they in no way deserved, demonstrating that the ridiculous good fortune that has characterised them for 25 years still has a way to run.

Club director Bobby Charlton said: “All our titles in the 1990s were because Sir Alex Ferguson found that enchanted monkey’s paw, and now we’ve got Jose Mourinho’s satanic rituals for that extra little boost.

“One-nil down in the 94th minute, I knew we’d fluke a penalty out of nothing, and sure enough, Ashley Williams suddenly decided he was Gordon Banks with the power of invisibility.

“Mind you, we’d still have got a penalty if he’d sneezed, or breathed in, or deliberately used his legs, because that’s how we roll at Old Trafford.

“We’re going to end up in the Champions League thanks to a ridiculous series of unlikely coincidences involving Liverpool losing every game and Tottenham being wound up.”

Season-ticket holder Nathan Muir said: “Enjoy it while it lasts, Chelsea. We’re going to spunk our way to the title next year winning every game 1-0 thanks to a Zlatan Ibrahimovic handball, and we won’t even pretend to be sorry.”