Moyes to leave Old Trafford fallow

MANCHESTER United manager David Moyes has announced that Old Trafford will enjoy a season of rest in 2013-14 to let the soil recover.

'Birds will do protein-rich droppings'

‘Birds will do nutrient-rich droppings’

Moyes, who was a gentleman farmer before entering football management, said: “If we’re to get another crop like Beckham, the Nevilles and Scholes then we must let the pitch revert to natural meadowland.

“It’s a three-year cycle: this year fallow, next year barley, and in 2015 we’ll raise a fast-paced passing team with flying wingbacks that can win the Premier League at a canter.

“I plan to grow some tatties and neeps at the Stretford End, introducing vital nitrogen to the six-yard box, and the team will play all home games at the ground of nearby Winton Wanderers FC.”

Moyes plans to harness Rio Ferdinand to a plough to turn the soil over shortly after Christmas and to tie Gary Neville to a stake to scare the crows away, but otherwise will let nature work its magic without interference.

The press conference guffawed when Moyes produced a potato from his patch that looked exactly like Wayne Rooney, though their mirth faded when he produced a further 212 potatoes that looked exactly like Wayne Rooney.

Furious United fan Wayne Hayes said: “I’d tear up my season ticket and throw it on the pitch, but it’d only biodegrade into a rich, nurturing mulch.”

“Do they really expect people to turn up and watch grass grow for 90 minutes? Still, it’s probably better than a home game against Stoke.”