New league structure to include fictional football teams

THE new football league structure will see established clubs playing hypothetical matches against some of Britain’s favourite fictional teams.

FA chairman Greg Dyke said the new League 3 will develop young English talent by helping them imagine what it would be like to play against Roy Race from Melchester Rovers.

Dyke said: “A committee will decide how a real team fares against a fictional team based on the real team’s three previous results.

“So if you are lose-draw-draw, you might sneak a home win against the school team from Gregory’s Girl, but you are going to get taken apart by Melchester, particularly if the committee decides that Roy is on form at the moment.”

He added: “Harchester United from Sky One’s Dream Team will be another big test for the real clubs, but they can also be confident of a win against sides like Renford Rejects and Jossy’s Giants because they are just children.

“I suspect that most seasons League 3 will be a two-horse race between the PoWs and the Nazis from Escape to Victory.”

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Sheepdogs condemn glass ceiling in the workplace

NO sheepdog has ever made the transition to shepherd, it has emerged.

Border Collie Tom Logan said: “I’m out there busting my arse every day, running like fuck in zig zags until all the sheep are in their pen.

“I only have to look at a flock of sheep and they all sit down. No one knows ovine psychology like I do.

“Why then am I sleeping in an outbuilding next to a sack of potatoes? Because I’m not a biped.”

Logan added: “I could easily run my own flock. I’ve got great ideas for a range of organic marmalade too, but nobody ever listens.

“Every time I try to throw a few ideas in the mix, somebody shuts me up with a biscuit.”

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