Olympics criticised for not immediately fulfilling pointless desires

ORGANISERS of the London Olympics have apologised for not simultaneously saying yes to every single person in the world.

Lord Coe is to send a hand-written apology to everyone who is currently alive

As thousands of people who cannot name more than three athletics events did not get tickets for a sport they could not identify with a series of flashcards, Lord Coe was forced to justify the decision not to build a stadium that was the same size as the Earth.

Carlisle sport consumer Wayne Hayes said: “I want to watch the high jump for three minutes – the female one, mind you – and then have my own personal toilet for 10 minutes before I’m led to the gymnastics as Balinese women toss petals at my feet.

“It’s not as if I’m asking for a perspex enclosure underneath the women’s beach volleyball court. Although now I’ve just invented that, I insist they build it immediately. And if they don’t then it will be an organisational disaster.”

Many missed out on tickets as the computer system designed for the application process was modelled on Britain’s usual level of interest in athletics, which, according to statisticians, usually potters about the ‘fuck all’ mark.

There was also frustration with the application procedure itself, which involved answering a series of increasingly-difficult cryptic crossword clues in a variety of languages including Serbo-Croat and Eastern Canadian Inuktitut before extemporising a 32-line beat poem on the sport of their choice.

Lord Coe insisted: “This has not been the kind of disaster you’d expect from a country that gave you Wembley Stadium and an organisation headed by a Tory given a peerage because Steve Ovett is basically a communist.

“We will be releasing a million tickets some time next year, when it finally dawns on the current crop of successful applicants that they’ve shat away the price of a foreign holiday to watch some obsessive nobody fuck about in a canoe.”