Roads not a velodrome

03-04-14

BRITAIN’S roads are not a specialist cycle racing facility, it has been confirmed.

As helpful as playing tennis on a dual carriageway

As helpful as playing tennis on a dual carriageway

Improved weather has prompted large groups of emotionless people with huge waxed legs to stage weekend cycle competitions on the country’s highways.

However officials have confirmed that roads are really designed for travel rather than amateur sporting events involving large clusters of wobbly people.

A government spokesman said: “Since Roman times, roads have been principally for the transportation of people and goods from point A to point B, rather than for buggering about on.

“Cycling is fine if you’re going on a legitimate journey, but if you’re just pointlessly ‘testing yourself’ against a group of similarly bored accountants it would be really good to keep that to a designated facility.

“You know those oval-shaped tracks you see on the Olympics, the ones that are designed for, and used exclusively for, bike racing?

“Well, you can book one for an hourly rate, it’s quite affordable if everyone in a group chips in.”

Car driver Emma Bradford said: “Horse riders can be a bit frustrating but at least the horse fraternity knows better than to do the Grand National on the A46.

“I find cycle race people rather hard to like, except the fat one who’s miles behind all the others, I feel sorry for him and admire his tenacity.”

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