Ronaldo Baby Punches Midwife

RONALDO’S baby son punched a midwife within seconds of being born before feigning a calf injury, it has been confirmed.

Hospital sources say he's a little shit

The infant lashed out after being refused permission to smoke a cigar in the delivery room and then being placed on a towel that was not made of 100% pure Egyptian cotton.

A source at the US hospital said: “The little arm came flying out and the next minute she was on the floor surrounded by lawyers demanding she be fired. As she was escorted out of the room, I saw the baby wink at his father.”

It has also emerged that the Real Madrid star will have sole custody of the child after agreeing to its demands for £180,000 a week.

The child’s agent said: “We had offers from the Rooneys, the Terrys and Frank Lampard, who wanted to give Christine Bleakley a new pink thing to be photographed with.

“But ultimately we decided to go with Ronaldo as it does at least raise the possibility of sucking on that Gemma Atkinson for an hour or so.”

The agent said the boy has yet to be named, although it was now down to a choice between either Diet Lucozade or The All New Seat Ibiza, at least for the first three years.

A spokesman for Ronaldo said: “Some say that the toilet training and the constant, sobbing demands for attention will be a problem, but I’m afraid the baby will just have to put up with him.”

Meanwhile, the mother has asked for her identity to be kept secret in a bid to avoid the stigma of everyone knowing that Ronaldo has been up her.

So far the possible candidates have been narrowed down to every blonde woman in the Western hemisphere with a cripplng lack of self esteem.