RUNNING for any distance greater than five metres is stupid, it was confirmed last night.
As more than 2500 people in shorts and a vest had to be rescued from a mountain in the middle of a storm, experts warned that running had never been more pointless.
Dr Tom Logan, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Thousands of years ago our ancestors had no choice but to run after cows or away from dinosaurs.
"But now we have mopeds and hatchbacks. Neither of which involve stupid, overpriced shoes and thinking you're better than me.
"But you just have to put on your Lycra and your wraparound sunglasses and do all your stretching because if you don't you could pull a muscle and then you'd have to limp around the office and tell everyone how not being able to go for a run is driving you crazy.
"Well I hope you do pull a muscle, and I hope it does drive you crazy and you end up in a huge mental hospital rubbing custard into your scalp and drinking your own piss."
Dr Logan added: "And then there's those people who meet up in a pub and go for a jog and then come back to the pub and drink orange squash and stand around stewing in their own stench.
"I really must conduct some research to find out if there is actually a more detestable collection of bastards."