Smoker wins at sport
DARREN Clarke celebrated his Open victory last night with another batch of top quality tobacco.
The Ulsterman’s three-shot victory confirmed the beneficial effects of having a series of sneaky wee tabs while doing your job.
Experts welcomed Clarke’s triumph and said that anti-smoking campaigners should now shut their stupid, pathetic, annoying, whiny, puritanical fucking faces.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Smoking aids the concentration and keeps the forearms supple. It also improves the eyesight and protects against bogeys.
“Smokers are champions. Any children who are still not smoking cigarettes should be taken from their parents and placed in an institution because they are clearly defective.”
Last night Clarke finished off the packet of cigarettes that he used to be brilliant at golf before getting stuck into a long fat Cuban cigar like a goddamn Olympian superhero.
Professor Brubaker added: “He’s not some grey-faced, yellow-fingered gollum. He’s a tanned, roly-poly champion who now has a million pounds more to spend on sweet, sweet tobacco.
“Do you think he’ll have sex with me?”
A spokesman for anti-smoking group ASH emitted a high-pitched whine that seemed to go on forever.