Tactical Genius Pockets £15m For Seven Months Work

LUIZ Philipe Scolari has once again demonstrated his tactical genius after pocketing £15m for just seven months work.

Job done

Following his dismissal by Chelsea, Scolari stressed that while his former rivals were getting up and going to work every day, he would walk away with enough money to build his own pirate ship.

He said: "Winning football matches when you have 11 Brazilians in your team is not particularly difficult. My main task was ensuring the bus driver knew the way to the stadium.

"The tactical genius was parlaying that skill as a bus driver's assistant into a win or lose contract worth £15 million.

"Pro-rata that's more than Paul McCartney. I'm not quite up there with Tom Cruise, but there's always the Arab chap at Man City."
Scolari said he would use some of the money to fulfill his long-held fantasy of pretending to be Gene Hackman for a day.

He added: "I will spend the morning dressed as Lex Luthor, firing a missile at the San Andreas fault while shouting 'Miss Tessmacher!' every five minutes.

"And in the afternoon I will command a submarine and attempt to start World War III until Denzel Washington locks me in the toilet. I'm really looking forward to it."

Meanwhile Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson was under observation last night after rupturing something again.

An Old Trafford spokesman said: "Chelsea have got to sort themselves out or he's going to end up with a hernia the size of a peach."