United flail closer to not-losing title

MANCHESTER United can nearly claim to be the least incompetent team of the year.

One last hurdle

In a campaign that has seen massive errors ranging from Blackpool’s decision to treat defending as the equivalent of bribing a referee to Liverpool’s decision to start the season three weeks ago, United have consistently managed to avoid being eye-wateringly useless more often than anybody else.

Manager Sir Alex Ferguson said: “There’s still the possibility I could decide to sell all our players to a dog food factory but I don’t even think picking Owen for the last two games will be enough to completely Benitez this one down the cludgie.

“It’s been a long slog of getting beat by a Wolves side that look like a skip full of limbs and dragging Rooney away from challenging rows rows D to M to a bottle fight every five minutes.

“But the lads have been tremendous all season, in a brand new definition of that word I’ve just come up with that’s basically synonymous with the liquid you find in the bottom of your wheelie bin.”

If they continue their less-awful streak until the end of the season, United will be presented with the FA’s first Default Premiership Cup, a one-fifth size replica of the proper trophy made from cardboard covered in tinfoil.

The record books will also reflect the mediocrity of their achievement by listing them as having won 18.3 titles, using the same scale that calculates SPL titles as being equivalent to .15 real league titles.

Meanwhile, Avram Grant has reaffirmed his conviction that if West Ham continue to play so badly they will somehow slingshot around the sun and wind up topping the league.