Volleyball sold out

OLYMPIC organisers have pleaded with the public to buy tickets for events not based on bikinis or hotpants.

What does this mean? Who cares?

The 2012 website crashed within minutes of being launched as Britain’s men clamoured to apply for the various thinly-veiled excuses for jiggling.

Front-row seats for beach volleyball, rhythmic gymnastics and the warm-up area for the women’s high jump have been most in demand.

Ruddy-faced Olympic enthusiast Wayne Hayes said: “I’ve applied for the most expensive seats as I’m going to need plenty of elbow room.

“I’ve always enjoyed myself vigorously when watching the games but to actually be there to witness the magnificent spectacle and be able to see every bead of sweat trickling down the….oh sweet Jesus Christ almighty.”

Organisers are desperately trying to raise interest in the more heavily-clothed events with the introduction of qualifying swimsuit rounds for judo, three-day eventing and women’s cricket.

Olympic fuhrer, Lord Coe, warned that without more flesh, tickets for events like fencing and archery will remain unsold unless local people are allowed to bring their own weapons and join in.

Coe added: “The Olympic ideal is to bring harmony between nations, but I don’t see why we can’t have loads of tight, hot arses bouncing up and down at the same time. And thighs.”

Meanwhile, ticket helpline operative Nikki Hollis is fielding up to 200 calls a day from furtive, grunting customers asking whether they are allowed to pay extra to take home the competitor’s towels.

She added: “Putting banknotes in an athlete’s waistband will get you thrown out of the stadium.”