Wenger quits to become a tortoise

ARSENAL manager Arsene Wenger has given up football in order to become a tortoise, it has emerged.

The Frenchman made the announcement in an airing cupboard at the Gunners’ London Colney training ground: “Football is too much hurly burly and the weather does not suit me. I have long yearned for a winter break.

“Now I am going to have one forever, in a nice box filled with fresh straw. Over time I will grow a shell and my hands will become paw-like scaly things with little claws.

“Please remember to leave me water and food in case I wake up early. We don’t want a repeat of that horrible business with Frida off of Blue Peter.”

The Frenchman has become increasingly slow-moving in recent years, and more prone to falling asleep under heat lamps and trying to mount lumps of tree bark.