Work starts on Olympic Stadium excuses

SEBASTIAN Coe has launched the first tranche of excuses about why something in the Olympic Stadium doesn’t work.

Don't even think about it

With just 16 months until the games begin, many had feared workers would run out of time to explain why the toilets don’t flush and all the seats are facing the wrong way.

But Lord Coe said: “It’s a beautiful testament to British buck-passing and I can’t wait until the opening ceremony to be given the chance to explain why the place is half-empty and smells like a cesspit.

“I don’t think anybody wants to see a re-run of the disgraceful scenes in China with its breathtaking spectacle running like clockwork.

“And if they do, they’re barking up the wrong ill-conceived, mindblowingly expensive and ultimately ruinous tree.”

Some have cited the stadium’s completion on time and under budget points to a successful project not requiring excuses, but the builders have promised that will all change as soon as anybody tries using the electrics, the plumbing or any of the floors.

Coe added: “Then there’s the issue of a transport system unable to cope with a coach party of pensioners from Leeds, let alone the numbers associated with a hamfisted international sporting event, to concoct excuses for.

“And, lest we forget, the whole thing is in East London.”

The stadium will be opened officially next week by Lord Coe and London mayor Boris Johnson, who will then launch an immediate enquiry into why there was piss everywhere.