Animals

OWNING a pet can be a loving, fulfilling experience that lasts for years, unless you choose from one of these utterly shit pets.

ARE you worried you’re not annoying enough people while walking your canine chum? Our handy guide will put that right.

JACOB Rees-Mogg told Parliament yesterday that fish are better and happier for being British. Well, I’m a British fish, and I’m properly f**ked off. 

DOGS believe that the best thing about owning them is when they make you search for them for hours in dense woodland.

PAUL the psychic octopus was the only thing standing between humanity and catastrophic disaster, scientists have confirmed. 

A DECEASED hamster will live on in memory after becoming the answer to a password security question.

A DOG has confirmed that he has no leads on the source of the huge dog turd currently steaming on the living room carpet.

A WOMAN who carries her puppy everywhere, along with poo bags, a special fluffy bed and dehydrated raw chicken snacks, is unsure why her first dates go no further.

A WOMAN who fell down a flight of stairs to avoid stepping on her cat has confirmed she would happily do it again.

A CAT with five different beds has chosen to occupy a laptop computer.