Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
My best friend and I have been close
for as long as I can remember. We’re like sisters. Lately, however,
things haven’t been so good between us. It seems we’re both very keen
on this bloke, and it’s ruining our usually solid friendship. I have
to say, she’s being pretty pathetic about the whole thing, and what
was a bit of healthy competition between us is now turning into full
blown war. It all came to a head the other day when I slashed the
tyres of her Mazda MX5 and scratched ‘whore’ onto the bonnet, and
then she turned up at my door throwing eggs and screaming about how I
should leave her husband alone and find my own man – totally
pathetic. Anyway, I need to borrow her GHDs: do you think it’s too
late to bury the hatchet?

Dear Tina,
It’s always a shame when two good pals
have a fall out. I think the same sort of thing is happening between
England and Scotland just now and my teacher said that one day soon
they might stop being friends for good, all because the big fat man,
Mr Salmon, who is in charge of the Scotch, is trying to convince his
subjects to go to war with the English. Apparently, Scotland never
really wanted to hang about with England in the first place because
it was a big bully, but because Scotland had no money to pay for all
the tonnes of Irn Bru and shortbread which everyone eats for tea, it
had to chum up with mean old England who had loads of cash in the
Queen’s piggy bank that she must have nicked from somewhere. But now
Mr Salmon has come along and he must be able to do magic because he’s
making everything free in Scotland, so no-one has to pay for medicine
or university or Irn Bru ever again, whereas cruel Mr Cameron makes
all the poor English pay double, AND give all their spare cash to
Ireland. Try to see a way through this, and save your friendship
before you have no friends at all except the Welsh, which is of
course the same as having no friends at all.
Hope that helps!