Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
My husband is a wonderful individual and we have enjoyed several relatively happy years together. The only problem is that he's a little conservative in his tastes and he would prefer to have sex in the missionary position with the curtains drawn than try out some of the things that I like doing, such as dressing up in preposterously lewd under-garments and thrashing each other with a leather cat o' nine tails. Or sniffing poppers and sticking vegetables into each others' naughty holes. I've tried to raise the issue with him but he just turns up the volume on Countdown and ignores me. What should I do?

Dear Denise,
I once had a hamster called Hammy who was going to be my bestest friend in the whole world until I realised he was a deeply flawed individual. He was obsessed with going round and round on his wheel for hours on end and whenever I managed to coax him out of his cage to play with me, all he did was sit there, doing nothing aside from depositing small poops all over my school jumper. My friend Jemima, on the other hand, had a pet puppy called Mika who was millions better than rubbish Hammy. Everyone used to love visiting Jemima and Mika and playing with them in the park after school, while I was stuck all alone watching Hammy sleeping or chewing on cardboard toilet rolls.
Naturally, after reaching the end of my tether with Hammy's self-centred behaviour, I decided that he and I should part ways, and I set him free in the garden so I could go and play with Jemima and Mika like all my other friends. When my mummy found Hammy the next day, he was dead, having been savagely mauled by a cat. My mummy said it would teach me a valuable lesson about coping with grief, when in fact the main thing I learned from the experience was that hamsters are rubbish.
I suppose what I am trying to say is that your husband sounds like more of a Hammy than a Mika, and the sooner you send him on his way, the sooner you can start to enjoy life.
Hope that helps!