Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
My son has decided to become a homosexual and I was wondering what I need to do to turn him normal again. He may have a successful career, lots of friends, impeccable taste and a charming live-in companion called Greg, but all of these things count for nothing because he insists on engaging in anal sex  when he goes to bed at night. I don’t know why he can’t be more like his brother, Darren, and get a few of the local school girls pregnant. Please help.

Dear Elspeth,
There are many ways you can catch gayness, for example by touching a dog’s willy with a stick, by wearing white socks with black trousers, or by letting your mum pick you up from the school disco. Unfortunately, there’s no known cure. But do not despair, because these days being gay is actually ok, and the only ones who don’t like it are bitter old people in brown cardigans who run B&Bs and read the Daily Mail and shake their fists at people for being a bit different. In actual fact, being a homosexual is so good for you these days that they’re going to start promoting gayness in our classes at school. So instead of memorising the periodic table, we’ll be expected to learn the lyrics to Take Your Mama Out by the Scissor Sisters, and in maths exams we’ll be asked questions like ‘if a lesbian asks you for directions to the swimming pool at five minutes past seven, what time will she be locked in a 69 with her firm young lover?’ or at least, that’s what my big sister told me. So if I were you, I’d stop worrying about your son’s sexual preferences and start asking him to help you out with your chemistry homework.
Hope that helps!