Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I’m having terrible trouble getting
women to sleep with me, even though I have my chat-up technique honed
to a fine art. Basically, after I have discretely drawn the woman’s
attention to my semi-erect manhood by rubbing it slowly with a gloved
hand and gesturing towards it with ‘come-to-bed’ eyes, I then
purposefully allow my tongue to trace the outer edges of my lips,
perhaps allowing a small stream of spittle to sexily trickle down my
chin. I then begin to breathe deeply and heavily like some kind of
sexually charged wild animal, all the time sliding closer and closer
to to my quarry. Unfortunately, by the time I get within shagging
distance, I’ve been ejected from whichever premises I happen to be in
at the time and soon find myself in a frustrated heap by the side of
the road. Can you offer any suggestions as to how I evade capture to
ensure I finally get the chance to sex a helpless maiden?

Dear Geoffrey,
In my school weve got a special unit
run by Mrs Waddle for those kids who apparently require a bit of
extra supervision due to having what the teachers refer to as
‘complex learning needs’. The kids in Mrs Waddle’s class are only
allowed crayons for art because they like to eat poster paint and
insert sharpened pencils in other people’s ears, and they think it’s
ok to stick their hands in their pants or tell the headmaster he’s a
droopy horse cock during morning assembly. If you ever walk past Mrs
Waddle’s classroom, it’s likely that there’ll be someone standing
on the table with no trousers on, or holding a chair above their
heads and shouting ‘fanny’ over and over again, or even wiping
something suspicious and brown on the window pane. Apparently you’re
not to laugh at them because it only encourages their silly behaviour
and if you notice one of them making a run for it across the
playground, you’re to tell the teacher straight away. It sounds like
you also have complex learning needs and should maybe spend some time
in the special unit. But don’t worry, there’s plenty of girls in
there too, even if they do have massive foreheads and hairy knuckles,
and think it’s perfectly acceptable to torture a guinea pig.
Hope that helps!