Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
An engineering breakthrough this week as your repeated huffing on the train miraculously fixes the broken signals further down the track.
In your younger days as a groupie you once had sex with Randy Travis. All four of them.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Why not make the second Star Trek film more entertaining by imagining William Shatner is calling his foe a c**t in a cockney accent?
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your Glass is always half empty, proving what a terrible name for a pub ‘Your Glass’ is.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
After furiously insisting that they ‘connect the goddamned dots’ and ‘do the maths, sheeple’ it’s decided you’re not cut out to be a primary school teacher.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Level 127 of Candy Crush, you say? I mention that Mozart died at the age of 35 merely by way of comparison.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Time to crack out the summer wardrobe, if a pair of cut-off jeans and a stained t-shirt saying ‘Radio 1 Roadshow 1995’ can be called a wardrobe.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
It’s the worst possible time for the air conditioning at work to break down, but fortunately you’re on long-term suspension for that incident in the toilets.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After another Friday night home alone you want music to match your mood, but iTunes comes up blank for the term ‘murderous’.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
If you don’t like it you have the option to just stop watching it. But your passengers would prefer if you’d pull over from the fast lane.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Bad news from the adoption agency, after you asked if they had any non-union ones that could work a 12-hour shift.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Due to a clerical error you will spend the rest of the month as Scorpio. Quick, start humping something.