Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Extra flavour can be achieved by placing cloves, star anise and garlic under the skin. If they’re circumcised, just swab it with Marmite.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you’ll impress the judges with a spirited foxtrot and an inventive reworking of the tango. You’re still going to jail for pissing on that horse, though.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Everybody remembers their first time and you’re whisked back to that magical night as you walk past a greengrocers displaying a melon with a hole in it.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
If your time at university taught you just one thing, you were probably just as fucking thick as the rest of the arseholes on your course.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
They pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. Remember that and you’ll make a brilliant lollipop lady.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This thing called love, I just can’t handle it. This thing called love, I must get round to it. But in the meantime there’s always prossies and wanking.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You’re faced with a difficult decision this week as the alcohol has started producing crippling hangovers and sobriety results in vertiginous bouts of horrifying self-awareness. Have you considered glue?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You’re very fond of shouting at your browbeaten work peons that failure is not an option, but try telling that to your fuzzy, swollen heart, cholesterol-boy.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You find it easy to remember the fate of Henry VIII’s wives as you also went through two divorces and a pair of beheadings until you found the girl of your dreams.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Many academics have argued that football is a codified expression of unvoiced communal emotions and if that means ‘punching darkies’ then you couldn’t agree more.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your application to be on Come Dine With Me is rejected after you ask what kind of glass one should serve surgical alcohol in.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week, why not underline your liberal credentials by selling $60bn of terrifying weaponry to a country full of homosexual-executing lunatics?