Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Now you’ve turned 40 it may be time to slow things down a bit. Certainly until the redness goes away.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
People ‘air guitar’ or even ‘air drum’ to music but as a Milli Vanilli fan you often find yourself ‘air sitting on your arse while session singers do your job for you’.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
It’s true that after ten years of marriage your sex life has diminished, especially since your neighbours moved away and the window cleaner has said he won’t come around any more.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You assume the government finally gave in to the demands of the sex terrorists as it’s been ages since you heard about sex bombs on the radio.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your thin excuses for watching Euro 2012 matches are tested to the limit this Saturday as you try to argue that the Greece/Russia match will draw an interesting parallel with the fall of Constantinople in 1453.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Hearing gay marriage described as the greatest threat to the Church of England in 500 years makes you realise you have to do something, like go out and get some cock.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Are you a man having a recurring nightmare that you’re a rabbit being attacked by dogs, or a rabbit having a recurring nightmare you’re an IT dullard frittering his life away with a cocktail of loneliness and resentment?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Returning to work from holiday you’re disturbed to find that there’s somebody sat at your desk, none of your colleagues recognises you and the company appears to have changed its core business, so it’s something of a relief to be reminded of your mental illness and the fact you retired in 1987.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
So ‘Rainy days and Mondays always get me down’ do they, Karen Carpenter? Well, as somebody who isn’t a pop star in California and is somebody who works in a call centre in Carlisle I have to say up yours.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your years of experience filming sporting events and zooming in on the saucy women in the crowd was apparently deemed inappropriate when you covered last year’s Armistice Day Service.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
A sobering thought in the cinema this week as you realise that Men In Black 3 is not only a dreadful sequel, it also describes the number of blokes in America whose bank accounts are in credit.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Mungo Jerry talked some shit, didn’t he?