Cowell To Last As Long As The Universe
SIMON Cowell will last as long as the universe contains beings with television sets and money, it was confirmed yesterday.
The freak-wrangling waistband was heard across the country as he cackled in victory atop his 1,000-foot high throne constructed from the skulls of unsuccessful contestants after signing a new TV deal.
Cowell said: “The hate is swelling in you now. Give in to your anger. With each passing moment you make yourself more my servant.”
The ITV contract is thought to be the biggest in evil television history since 1988, when Cilla Black demanded a million voices crying out in terror before being suddenly silenced in exchange for a third series of Blind Date.
The negotiations with Black prompted the creation of ITV’s All-Consuming Darkness Liaison Department, which also conducted the recent talks with Cowell in the desecrated grounds of an abandoned church on his country estate.
Asked whether he was concerned that such shows irrevocably altered the cultural DNA of the country to such an extent that future generations would be little more than hooting fleshpods pressing buttons on a screen to watch another fleshpod jump around on a stage, Cowell said: “Fuck you.”
He added: “Tell you what, if you want a vision of the future, imagine me sneering at a trembling council estate peon as they struggle through their version of The Greatest Love Of All on a loop that can never, ever end.”
In addition to dedicated channel for Shit Factor and Britain Must Be Stopped, Cowell’s infinity year deal will see him front new talent series such as Fuck This Pig & Win A Ringtone and Dance While I Throw Jars of Hot Piss at You.