Pete Doherty too pretentious for the French

PETE Doherty is to be expelled from France for being excessively pretentious.

France’s Minister for Pretentiousness Jean-Claude Lambert said: “As a culture devoted to philosophy, absinthe and walking pet lobsters called Bertrand down the Champs-Elysees, we never imagined finding anyone too tediously self-regarding.

“But having seen Pete Doherty’s new film, we must admit that his glassy-eyed foppery is too much even for us – the French.

“We are returning him to the UK with the strong suggestion that you put him to work in a branch of Subway, or perhaps a pie factory.”

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Cameron launches Little Society

DAVID Cameron has unveiled his vision for the Little Society, consisting of the residents of Chipping Norton.

The stated aims of the Little Society are to devolve power from the state and put it back in the hands of the prime minister’s local community.

It will also include odd-job man Roy Hobbs and his wife, the Camerons’ cleaning lady.

Mr Cameron denied that their inclusion was merely token: “The Hobbs’s play a very important role. It is their job to do all the work.”

Mr Hobbs’s first job was to build a massive wall around Chipping Norton, with strategically-placed gun turrets.

Mr Cameron said: “We’re empowering the villagers to kill anyone who tries to get in. How they do that is up to them, they could use machine guns or boiling hot chip fat.

“We’re all in this siege mentality together.”

Early casualties of the Little Society include deputy prime minister Nick Clegg, who received a fatal crossbow wound while attempting to scale the wall using a makeshift ladder made of twigs.

The prime minister said Clegg’s death could only strengthen the coalition.

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