Shakespeare’s first theatre ‘mainly porno’

07-06-12

WILLIAM Shakespeare’s first theatre offered mainly hardcore sex plays, it has emerged.

He invented the word 'sleazy'

The excavation of Shoreditch’s Curtain Theatre revealed manuscripts with crude punning titles including The Merry Milfs of Windsor, Henry XXX and Coriolanal.

Historian Roy Hobbs said: “In the play Boneo and Juliet, the character Boneo asks, ‘Shall I compare thee to a hot piece of ass? Sucketh my dick, for verily that is good.’

“These are unquestionably the words of the Bard.”

A theatre programme found at the site even suggests that Shakespeare, then a young, struggling actor,  appeared in the plays under the pseudonym Bill Spearcock.

Hobbs said: “A contemporaneous review refers to an actor who ‘affrighted ye ladies wif his massive member then spunketh on ye crowd’.

“I believe this refers to Shakespeare himself in a performance of Twelfth White.

“But the Curtain’s repertoire was not entirely pornographic. They also did violent historical plays with breasts and explosions known as ‘Roman-sploitation’, and cheap horror quickies like Ye Puppetmaster and Ye Critters VII: Ye Critters Versus Ye Leprechaun.”

Archaeologist Dr Donna Sheridan said: “The porno plays would have been a much-needed diversion from the hardships of Elizabethan times, which included permanent toothache, bubonic plague and ridiculous clothes.

“We’ve always known that Elizabethan theatre was a more populist, rowdy experience than it is today. What we didn’t realise was that it starred incredibly muscular ageing men with ponytails who ate owl pellets as a means of sustaining sexual stamina.”

 

 

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