Childhood Should Begin At Birth, Says Minister

THE government has unveiled its 10 year vision for Britain's children with a pledge that childhood will now begin at birth.

Children watching Balls yesterday

In a keynote Commons statement child minister Ed Balls outlined his plan to make British children the most childish in the world.

Balls told MPs: "Let's get back to basics. A traditional British childhood must begin at the point of womb evacuation and not a minute later.

"From that moment on it's strictly Swallows and Amazons with perhaps a hint of Railway Children. The era of Byker Grove is at an end."

Balls also wants primary schools in England and Wales to provide services for adults including an off-licence, a second hand car showroom and a massage suite.

The government's 10 point plan for childhood:

  • Birth

  • Titties – then solid food to enable growth (eating to continue throughout childhood).

  • Introduction of toys, followed by mild violence towards friends and/or siblings.

  • Formal education (to involve listening to the adult at the front of the room and remembering what it is they've said).

  • Dropping of testicles and/or development of breasts.

  • Football, hockey or chess (for speccy children).

  • Dirty fumblings.

  • Bad music.

  • Exams.

  • The End.

Next week the government is expected to outline its 17-point plan for adulthood.

According to Whitehall sources the key elements will include pointless jobs, dreary chain pubs, disastrous sex, grinding depression and easily avoidable nose cancer.