Give everyone five grand and let’s start again, says Bank of England

THE global economy should be started again from scratch and everyone given £5,000 each, the Bank of England has claimed.


“It’s scary, but it’s also exciting”

The Bank said it could keep trying different things but it was simply delaying the inevitable admission that this economy does not work anymore and we need to get another one.

A spokesman said: “That’s it, we’re calling it. Time of death, 11.25am.

“As of this moment there is no economy. It’s over. ‘But, what should we do now?’ we hear you say.

“Well, what about, right, we cancel all the debts and all the savings and shit and we just say, ‘okay, blank sheet of paper’?

“Then, right, everyone gets five grand a piece to spend on whatever they want.”

The spokesman added: “Within a few weeks the people who are selling the best stuff will have more money so we’ll know it’s working and then we can just take it from there.”

Economists said the idea had some merit, insisting the ad-hoc construction of a new global financial system did seem a lot easier than negotiating with Germans.

Asked how a universal ‘starting wealth’ of £5,000 would affect inflation and interest rates in the new economy, the Bank said it did not have the ‘faintest fucking clue’.