Leading economists call for new ways to dispose of Osborne
NINE top economists have published an open letter calling for a new approach to lifting Britain out of George Osborne.
Suggestions included kidnap, brainwashing, firing from a cannon into Ben Nevis and dismemberment by gorillas.
The last two are expected to provide a substantial one-off boost to tourism that would more than make up for the extra bank holiday.
Professor Tom Booker, from the London School of Economics, said: “Killing Osborne is the easy option. Any ordinary member of the public could come up with that, as this petition signed by 43.8 million people demonstrates.
“As experts, we need to find some way of harnessing the terrifying power of his black hole of anti-knowledge.
“I think we should launch Osborne into space, position him in an orbiting satellite and threaten to bombard hostile nations with advice on creating a business-friendly tax climate with flexible workers.”
But Dr Eleanor Shaw, from Warwick University, said: “We need to make Osborne chancellor in a virtual reality – a computer-simulated Britain identical to the real thing, so that everything he does, we can do the opposite.”
Some experts believe, however, that Osborne is part of a top-secret programme to develop a breed of superhumanly incompetent chancellors.
One economist, who refused to be named, said: “They took some of Gordon Brown’s spit, mixed it with Norman Lamont’s hair grease and then let it ponce about at Oxford for three years.”
But the chancellor insisted: “We’re in negative growth, yes, but I’ve been on a management training course that taught me how to turn negatives into positives so everything’s brilliant.”