Letting Agents To Out-Bastard Estate Agents
WITH the rental sector booming, letting agents are set to topple estate agents as Britain’s leading bunch of tick-like scumbags.
The mortgage drought has forced record numbers to place their slender hopes of maintaining a fixed address into the claw-like hands of letting agencies, who are determined to exploit their new status as the dominant sub-species of grimy spiv.
Stephen Malley, associate director of deliberate awkwardness at the letting agency Badmove, said: “For decades estate agents have been hogging all the revilement and loathing. Lettings agents have not even been properly stereotyped, we’re just these vaguely grubby non-entities with cheap shoes and big bunches of keys who never turn up on time.
“Well, you’re not getting a mortgage this side of the 28th Century and so we find ourselves bathed in the golden glow of our perfect moment.
“Kneel before our awesomely demanding application process, which requires references from at least two dead family members, the leader of a global religion and a kestrel.
“Then of course there’s the small matter of nine year’s rent upfront, and a monstrous deposit that’s ours the moment you leave a buttock imprint on the Palitoy-quality furniture.
“Oh and we’ll need a guarantor. It’s just a formality but if you fall behind on the rent we’ll take their house, car and major functioning organs. You can just fake your nan’s signature for that one.
“Soon we shall have the branded, fanny magnet sport hatchbacks and the offices full of see-through objects with Groove Armada playing on a high quality stereo. Estate agents, for so long our masters, will be nothing.
He added: “Our current properties include a one-bed in Stepney which smells of horses and a very tidy maisonette with no windows and the faint atmosphere of past tragedies.”