the dailymash

Bleakley24 is designed to help those temporarily separated from a computer or newsagent maintain their steady stream of speculation about the slightly less Northern version of Melanie Sykes.

A spokesman said: "Even in 2010, there are pockets of civilisation that do not have instant access to Christine Bleakley updates. This means that isolated people - particularly those in hostage situations - can find their thoughts turning to their own pointless lives."

He added: "We risk creating a two-tier society, where an elite enjoys up-to-the-minute bulletins on Bleakley's employment prospects and love life, while others  go slowly insane with worry and jealousy before degenerating to tunnel-dwelling albinos who communicate by flatulating at each other."

The helplines will be manned by fully trained celebrity journalists updating on a range of factors including the exact time she left Frank Lampard's flat and any changes to her top five citrus fruits.

Teacher Roy Hobbs, who recently found himself cut off from Christine Bleakley news after being locked in a stationary cupboard by the children of scum, said: "Bleakley24 is like a big, fat teat.

"Without it I wouldn't know that today she is still torn between the BBC and ITV, and is wearing tight grey denim jeans that show a sliver of arse crack when she bends to get in a taxi."

Experts said that Bleakley24 and Adrian Chiles' 12-figure salary confirms the One Show as the most important television programme since Roots, even though no-one has ever met anyone who has actually seen it.

Nikki Hollis, from Stevenage, added: "There are still far too many unanswered questions about her relationship with Chiles, but Bleakley24 explained that he is actually more handsome in the flesh and has an intoxicating natural musk.

"I'm going back to sleep now."