Fears 'Apprentice' Stars Could Breed
APPRENTICE stars Phil Taylor and Kate Walsh could be dangerously close to making numerous, smaller versions of themselves, experts warned last night.
Amid reports the pair were now dating, scientists said that if the couple's DNA is not kept at least 20 miles apart it could combine to produce an army of gibbering, soulless freaks obsessed with their own shallow, pointless ambitions.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Kate looks like a Ronsealed spaniel with a mouth you could lose a Range Rover in.
"Phil meanwhile reads Men's Health magazine and drinks bottled beer out of choice. And then there's that whole 'pants-man' thing. Jesus wept."
Professor Brubaker and his team conducted a series of computer modelling experiments to predict what a Kate-Phil hybrid would look like. "We reckon it would be shaped like a Toblerone," he added.
"The entire raison d'etre of such a creature would be to pathetically ingratiate itself with millionaires by performing a series of demeaning voluntary tasks, like bleaching dogs' scrotums on Clapham Common. Other than that, it would just hop around pissing people off."
But Professor Brubaker stressed it could have been worse. "'Remember Katie, the posh blonde harridan with a face like a blind child's drawing of a fried breakfast? Imagine if she tupped James, the gobby village idiot who looks like he should be playing a banjo?
"When we ran that through the computer we got what was basically a frog crossed with a rhino, covered in matted pubic hair, playing a banjo."