Jamie Oliver re-brands bacteria as ‘Funky Coli’

THE microbes present in TV chef Jamie Oliver’s restaurant kitchens are cool and laid-back, it was claimed last night.

It's not fair to call it saliva, it's really a 'jus'

Food hygiene operatives visiting Jamie’s Gammon Tongue eateries had expressed concerns about the possible health effects  of ingredients getting sprayed with saliva whenever the chef tries to enunciate difficult vowel sounds.

But a spokesman for the chain claimed that all of Jamie’s micro-organisms were totally chilled out.

He said: “Our patented ‘Funky Coli’ are brilliant little geezers, sourced from Jamie’s bodily secretions, who are totally passionate about entering your digestive system.

“That is assuming they’re not off surfing in their microscopic VW camper vans, enjoying a Sneaker Pimps concert with their tiny demographically-diverse germy friends or performing a similarly on-brand hobby activity.

“We can thus assure customers that any vomiting or liquid diarrhoea induced by Funky Coli consumption is trendy.

“Also we are offering a range of official Jamie’s Nifty Barf Bags, ideal for storing your regurgitated stomach contents in an aspirational manner, at totally pukka prices.”

He added: “Jamie’s Gammon Tongue restaurants are all about delicious, locally sourced food, especially the sort purchased from a much beloved British institution and massive supermarket.

“There’s nothing like a big groovy monopoly to make everything really cool for chilled-out small farmers who just occasionally happen to accidentally shoot themselves.”