Jesus's 'wife' was massive pain in the arse
ACCORDING to a fourth century papyrus Jesus had a wife that he absolutely despised.
A passage in the ancient text describes a dialogue involving Jesus where the founder of Christianity says ‘for God’s sake don’t get married – my wife is a nightmare’.
He then tells his disciples about her terrifying mood swings and rank hypocrisy and confirms that ‘loving thy neighbour does not count if you live next door to Mary Magdalene’.
According to the text, written in Egyptian Coptic, Jesus added: “Sometimes I wish I really was the Son of God. That would shut her fat face.
“‘Did you fix the shelf in the bathroom?’ No I didn’t because I’m the Son of God. ‘Can you pick up some milk on the way home?’ Sorry, too busy, Son of God. ‘Why do you hate my mother?’ Because she is a horrible old bitch.”
In a subsequent passage, which scholars say was probably removed from an early version of the Gospel of John, Jesus looks down from the cross and says ‘what’s she doing here?’.
He then launches into a tirade against his wife insisting: “I wouldn’t be up here if it wasn’t for you, you sour-faced harridan.
“I wanted to be a carpenter but you just had to have a new donkey.”
Jesus adds: “‘Peter’s wife’s got a new donkey’, you kept saying. ‘Make some speeches, get yourself noticed, try and get a book deal’.
“I hate your guts.”