Pete Doherty Made Of Crack, Say Police
BOHEMIAN not-singer Pete Doherty is now 98% pure crack cocaine, according to police.
Doherty's physical ingredients were discovered when two detectives reported a grandiose feeling of well-being and started singing dreadful sub-Kinks drivel shortly after questioning the Babyshambles frontman.
They were later suspended and given three months leave to sort out their head space in Marrakech.
Inspector Tom Logan said: "At present he is facing 12 years in jail for being himself.
"Many people who have listened to Down In Albion will probably say that's a picnic compared to what he really deserves."
Meanwhile the former Libertines noise-maker has run into financial difficulties maintaining 24-hour security on himself as he has a current street value of £4m.
Charlie Reeves, a middle class idiot associate of Doherty who once owned a camcorder and therefore has 'Director' printed on the business cards he had made in a motorway services machine, said: "A lot of musicians claim that their fans want a piece of them but in Pete's case it’s incredibly true.
"I remember one night we were coming out of the Good Mixer in Camden and some guy held a lighter under Pete's hand as he was hailing a taxi and started inhaling the fumes. Pete can't even bite his own fingernails now or he'll end up OD-ing again.”
Experts say the only part of Doherty still completely cocaine-free is his pork pie hat, which is made of a woven form of mephedrone, also known as 'meow-meow' or 'Top Cat'.