Tom Cruise Now Terrifyingly Insane


TOM Cruise was celebrating last night as he overtook John Travolta to become Hollywood's most dangerously unhinged psychopath.

'I can turn my head all the way round'

In a previously unseen interview, released on the internet, Cruise delivered a tour de force, comparing Scientology to, 'having sex with an angry kangaroo'.

He added: "It's an army of Spanish elephants, it's a hospital made of chocolate, it's a bomb full of guns."

The Far and Away star then claimed to be 'the only being in the solar system' who knew what to do in the event of a car crash.

"I have a special computer that proves how paramedics and firemen can make a car crash 10,000 times worse.

"I spent four and a half years studying carcrashology. I came top of my class. If a crash happens, I'm there with my big tongs and my bag of melons."

Cruise said Scientology had also helped him to control his dreams, adding: "I used to dream about bottoms quite a lot, but now most of my dreams involve killing everybody in the world, except Steven Spielberg, who I end up using as a coffee table."

Cruise spent the last 20 minutes of the interview curled in the foetal position saying, 'ping, ping, ping' over and over again.

Media anlaysts admitted they were baffled as to why the video has been released at this time.

Wayne Hayes, who analyses the media, said: "There is the merest hint of an outside chance of a slim possibility that it might have something to do with money."

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