Dolphins slag each other off

DOLPHINS have been observed displaying two-faced behaviour.

'You're just glowing today'

‘You’re just glowing today’

Researchers studying dolphins’ advanced speech patterns found the mammals are very nice to each other until one of the group swims off.

Professor Henry Brubaker decoded the dolphin’s clicking sounds: “When they’re together in a pod, dolphins are all complimenting one another, like ‘Loving your fins’, or ‘Your blowhole is really well-positioned’.

“But as soon one of the group leaves, they’re putting the boot into them, saying how they fucked a manatee or they’ve got a fat tail.

“Behind that creepy fixed smile the species has absolutely no integrity. They’re just dreadful.”

Dolphin Nikki Hollis said: “The ocean’s a really bitchy place, especially if you’re a young attractive female dolphin.

“Whatever you’ve heard about me and a sea cow is so not true.

“One of the other females said that but only because she is a hot mess who has sex outside of breeding season.”

As other female members of the pod arrived, Hollis was heard greeting them with a series of fake, exaggerated whistling sounds.